THE PLEDGE-BREAKER'S SLURS: Part 1
Transcripts from Imus in the Morning
Philip Nobile is the editor of Judgment at the Smithsonian, which
printed the banned Smithsonian script on the 50th anniversary
of the Bombs of August in 1995.
ANDY ROONEY PARODY, Febuary 1, 2001
Don Imus: Andy? *****
Voice of "Andy Rooney": Well it's February again, Black History Month. And for those who don't know, I thought you might like a little background to this time we devote to celebrating the diversity of African America. So here goes.
According to my reading of the matter, while you might think of Black History Month as a relatively recent institution, it dates nearly to the turn of the previous century by one Carter Godwin Woodson, son of former slaves who became only the second black person to receive a doctorate from Harvard back in 1912. Dr. Woodson was an historian who, in fact, is considered the father of black history in America. And it was his idea way back then to observe a period he called Negro History Week. That evolved into today's Black History Month. And here we are.
So with the extraordinary accomplishments of Black America across the years in such soaring figures we celebrate as Frederick Douglass, Jackie Robinson, and Martin Luther King, why would I choose to focus on figures of more diminutive dimension? Because I can, I guess. And because these guys are all in the news now, and I am a current events reporter after all. So anyway, let's meld some events together.
Like what's up with all this pardon brouhaha? No, no, not Marc Rich, the finagling, fugitive financier who greased exoneration out of Bubba with a couple of truckloads of Benjamins. That wasn't a quid pro quo? And I'm not way beyond my warranty expiration. No, I'm talking about a guy pretty much overlooked in the pardon process, former Congressman Mel Reynolds. He got absolution from Father Clinton.
You remember Mel -- bank fraud, wirefraud, lied to the federal election commission, but that's, you know, the okay stuff. There's also child porn, sex assault, aggravated criminal sexual abuse, obstruction of justice, and wait a minute, am I talking about Congressman Mel or President Bill? The former actually. Mel's the guy who's most famously reported for -- oh, how to put this delicately? -- whackin' off during a phone conversation with a 17-year-old paramour trying to get her to set up a threesome for him with her 15-year-old girl chum. What's his Black History Month speech going to be? "I have a hard-on?"
But wait, as they say, there's more. Not only does this human derelict land a get-out-of-jail ticket from Bubba, Mel's landed on his feet. He's now a consultant, as God is my witness. For what? The Rainbow-Push Coalition. And hired by whom? I swear I'm not making this up -- by Bubba's personal spiritual guru, the Reverend Jesse ("I'm a new Daddy/Stay Out the Bushes") Jackson. You wonder what his Black History Month Speech is going to be, don't you? Maybe "I've got a nightmare."
Let's see, who else in recent days? Oh, of course, our two Rays, Lewis and Carruth. There are a couple of explorers, huh? Well, at least Reverend Jackson, as it has been pointed out, wisely chose a different course of action in dealing with his bastard child than did Mr. Carruth. I mean, he did pull out a checkbook rather than a tech nine. We'll give him a smiley face for that one, I think. Let's see. I guess since Ray Carruth is going to the joint for quite a spell his Black History Month speech could be, "I have a girlfriend. His name is Abdul." And finally, our other "Everybody Loves Raymond" candidate, Ray Lewis, who you really have to hand it to. He's living large, Superbowl ring and he beat a double-murder rap, enabling him to deliver the Black History Month speech Ray Carruth wishes he could have made, "I have a defense."
Well, I guess I could go on with this, Sean Puffy Combs's speech, "I have a Johnny Cochran," and so on. But I think I'll stop before I get Malcolm X'ed.
"KNUCKLE-DRAGGING MORON," February 26, 2001
Don Imus (referring to Patrick Ewing): What a creep. What a creep. *****
McGuirk: Surly, knuckle-dragging moron.
"MOLIGNANS," February 26, 2001
From a parody of Bill Clinton: ... We're not wanted in Midtown? We'll go up to Harlem with the molignans. *****
"CANNIBALS," March 19, 2001
Voice: MTV's "Spring Break in Africa with Bill Clinton." *****
Voice of "Bill Clinton": Be careful, because over here they got cannibals. So "eat me" has an entirely different meaning. (laughter)
"ANIMALS," June 5, 2001
This incident resulted in Imus firing Sid Rosenberg, and then, after Rosenberg issued an on-air apology, rehiring him a few days later.
Bud Collins: [Andre Agassi] is playing really the best tennis of his career. *****
Don Imus: What's the matter, Sid?
Sid Rosenberg: I like Andre Agassi.
Bo Dietl: Andre's my friend.
Rosenberg: I happen to love Andre Agassi. You see, I just think the rest of this tournament is nonsense.
Dietl: You don't like the ladies.
Rosenberg: I don't like the ladies.
Dietl: You don't like [unintelligible]?
Rosenberg: That animal.
Imus: No. no, no.
Dietl: No, no, no.
Imus: Time out here.
Dietl: Venus is no animal.
Rosenberg: She's an animal.
Imus: What are you talking about?
Dietl: Venus doesn't have a penis. What are you talking about?
Imus: Please both of you ... anyway we have Jennifer Capriati and ...
Collins: Serena playing today.
Imus: Serena Williams playing today, two American women.
Collins: It comes up in about an hour, possibly less, and I may be able to get to you before, after it's over, before you're over. That'll be a tremendous match.
Imus: Jennifer holds a two-to-one edge with her, right?
Collins: That's correct. Very good, I-man.
Imus: But how will she do to day?
Collins: I think she's going to win ...
Imus: Just keep talking. I got to talk to, Sid here. Say anything ...
Collins: Who is that?
Imus: That's my guy, Sid.
Imus: ... Sid, you gotta relax.
Rosenberg: I'm sorry. I can't, I can't even watch them play anymore. I find it disgusting.
Imus: You find what disgusting?
Rosenberg: Both of those, what do you want to call them?
Imus: Tennis players.
Dietl: Tennis players.
Imus: What are you talking about?
Rosenberg: I don't even think they should play on the women's side. They should play with the men. I don't think it's fair.
Imus: Oh, I mean, now you're bein', that's stupid.
Rosenberg: I don't think it's fair.
Imus: Why isn't it fair?
Ronseberg: Because they're just too muscular. They're boys. That's what they are.
Imus: Now you're a moron. I mean you're a degenerate.
McGuirk: I find them attractive myself.
Dietl: They're attractive.
Imus: They're [unintelligible] kids.
McGuirk: I used to get a chubby watchin' Mookie Wilson at bat, too though.
Rosenberg: One time [unintelligible] a friend, he says to me, "You know what," he goes, "Listen, one of these days you're going to see, find Venus and Serena Williams in Playboy." I said, "You gotta better shot at National Geographic. (laughing)
Imus: That'll be fine.
McGuirk: That's great.
Dietl: Very good, Sid. I didn't say a word there, Don, I don't want no letters.
Imus: Sid, what are you nuts?
Dietl: Why don't you just take my gun and put it in your mouth.
Rosenberg: I can't watch them play. It's disgusting. They oughta be banned from the whole tour.
McGuirk: Don't throw out your hack license.
"LESBO," February 12, 2001
Bo Dietl: This man [Bill Clinton] is a common thief there. Unbelievable. I think indict the baby, lock him up and lock lesbo up with him. *****
Imus: That will be fine.
"PIANO BAR PATRON," March 16, 2001
Don Imus: ... here's Charles, who was at the piano bar last night. *****
McCord: Oh (pause), it was the Bristol Room.
Imus: Here is my, this is my contention and see if you agree, that if you're in your fifties and you go to a hotel in any big city, Boston, and you go to the piano bar, you're an old queer. (laughter) Period. I don't care who's the piano player ... you go to the piano bar in the hotel, you are, not that there's anything wrong with it, but you are, in fact, an old homo. Period.
"CHINKS," April 6, 2001
Bernard McGuirk (on location in NYC's Chinatown): I'm here to reach out to my yellow brothers and sisters. to see how they feel over this spy-plane incident, where their loyalties lie. Is it Yankee Number One? Is it China Number One? Are they united as Chinese Americans? Do they speak as one or are there any chinks in the armor, if you will? (laughter) ... Are they loyal Americans, or as Imus would say, rice-sucking ingrates? ... We're also going to ask people if they've ever, ever seen a stray dog in Chinatown. ... [to Chinese female passerby] Hanoi Sally, come here. ... *****
"GOOKS," February 25, 2001
Don Imus: Bo Dietl called me yesterday and he wanted to apologize for some things he said yesterday on the program. I think he was surprised that I wasn't angry with him but, and I'm not angry with him. But I don't know what to do. I mean you either don't put him on or if you do put him on, you take what you get. His use of the word gook I guess offended a number of people. It's just not good. Why we tolerate that is just, I guess if I thought that he, I guess if I thought that he were bigoted or racist or, then I wouldn't tolerate it. He's not. But he's an idiot. He's not an idiot, he doesn't care. He doesn't think of that word perhaps as you or I do. He just thinks it's amusing. To some people it's not amusing. Some people, hurts their feelings. Other than Rick Kaplan or one of these fat pig decorators who works for us, I really don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I actually don't. So anyway, he said he's sorry. He's not. He's sorry I guess if you were offended. I just think you have to move on. I think the thing probably to do is not listen if you're offended. *****
McGuirk (imitating Dietl): Let me say to all you gooks out there, sorry.
"SLANTY-EYED BASTARDS," June 6, 2001
Bo Dietl (reviewing Pearl Harbor): ... All of a sudden they come in with the planes, the Jap Zeros ... there was no honor with our prisoners over there, let's not make them look like, these slanty-eyed bastards, let's not make them look like, make them look good, they attacked that Sunday morning, killed our Americans there, so let's not start bein', coating this thing, all right ... we were snuck attacked by these, I'm not gonna say the gook word either, we were sneaked attacked there and it's wrong, and let's not forget about it. ... *****
"ONE-EYED HO'," February 23, 2001
Bernard McGuirk (on the Puff Daddy trial): Three people were shot that night and he's responsible. ... One woman doesn't have an eye because of him. There's a one-eyed ho' out there and he's responsible. *****
"MALCOLM TRIPLE-X CONDOMS," February 16, 2001
The reference to "Malcolm XXX condoms" came during a Harlem remote with McGuirk, and the black comedy team of Stephan Dweck and Monteria Ivy, whom Imus occasionaly hires to do street theatre mocking blacks like Bryant Gumbel and Danny Glover (after Glover mounted a campaign against New York City cabbies who refuse to pick up blacks.)
IMUS AND MCGUIRK DIALOGUE, June 12, 2001
Don Imus: Congressman Phil Crane, head of the House and Ways Committee [sic], according to this story I have here, Charles, Bernie, Lou, is charging that there were, apparently blurted out, someplace that two Clinton staff members had a lesbian affair. And that would be Janet Reno and Donna Shalala. As you may remember they both said after they left office they were going to ride motorcycles across the country, or whatever. *****
Bernard McGuirk: That's not a lesbian affair, that's bestiality. (laughter)
Imus: That'll be fine. Well no, they said they'd drive a pickup truck. Of course, now Bigfoot is back in Florida, shaky Bigfoot, and Donna Shananana apparently has moved down there.
McGuirk: The baby killer and the hedgehog.
Charles McCord: That's ugly.
Imus: Why is this news?
[later in show]
Imus: This whole trip with Bush in Europe is such a total waste of time ... [I'm] more interested in and want to focus on what apparently is a situation with these lesbians.
McCord: Now, what's going on here? Let's hear this again.
Imus: Congressman Phil Crane ...
Imus: ...apparently blurted out somewhere at a public gathering of some sort that two members of the Clinton cabinet or his administration were having a munchitation situation.
McCord: Don't tell me this.
McGuirk: (makes sound)
Imus: And I guess he said, quoting him, I guess, you're talking about your old Bigfoot shaky Janet Reno and the little hedgehog, Donna, Donna Shanana.
McCord: Oh my God.
Imus: 'Member girlfriend said they was goin' drive across America in a pick-up truck. I don't know.
McCord: This is an ugly situation.
McGuirk: Gee, I wonder who's the man in that relationship.
McGuirk: Ay-ya-yi. (laughter)
Imus: (laughing) That's really, that's troubling, isn't it?
McCord: Yeah, it is.
Imus: God almighty.
McCord: Good lord.
Imus: I don't know. We'll check it, out that's all.
CARDINAL EGAN PARODY, June 15, 2001
Bernard McGuirk/"Bishop Egan": Lost about 12 pounds this week, Imus in the Morn'. *****
Don Imus: Oh, you did.
"Bishop Egan": ... Couldn't keep any food down after hearing the news that Janet Reno and Donna Shalala were lesbian lovers, bejesus. Bigfoot and the hedgehog, make you sick bejesus. Let's just hope these two pigs weren't munching on each other in the White House. God forgive you ...
Imus: That will be fine.
"Bishop Egan": ... you filthy pigs. We've had enough of that I tell you, Imus in the Morn'.
RUSH LIMBAUGH SONG PARODY, June 18, 2001
"Rush Limbaugh": Lick on a lady tonight, lick on a lady tonight.
Voice: The wanton lust of an attorney general for a secretary who provided human services.
"Limbaugh": Little ditty about Janet and Donna. Which one of them got the great big strap-on on her?
Voice: And now the soundtrack of a love, of a hunger, of disgusting images you won't ever be able to get out of your head is now available on CD and cassette. ... Rush Limbaugh sings the lovesongs of Janet Reno and Donna Shalala.
Published: Jun 25 2001